KILDARE MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS: How sex abuse victims can become survivors, thrivers

This week I will answer a letter from a reader in his sixties who is just now coming to terms with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse.

Dear Dr Eddie,

I am a 63-year-old man and I only started to come to terms with the trauma of my childhood in the past 14 months. I was sexually assaulted when I was 12 or 13 years old.

I am on my journey of recovery, having lost everything — property, money and two marriages, and a vulture fund is about to repossess my house... but I am turning the corner.

As part of my recovery I have written a book on my life. I needed to do it but it was tough.

Why am I writing to you.

I have just read your book Becoming Your Real Self, and it has helped me big time. Thank you for writing it.

I have only found out in the past week that one of the people in authority who molested me was convicted recently.

It was a tough day for me coming face-to-face with him after all the years. But I also met four others who were abused, and the support and kindness and understanding they showed me overwhelmed me.

I fell apart and cried like never before. I am no longer alone.

I am writing to you and reaching out as part of my healing, to help me on the road to recovery and to help and encourage other victims and give them hope.

Sean

Dr Eddie responds: Sean, this is such a powerful letter, and I very much appreciate and am humbled that you have sent this to me.

I rang you as well just to ensure that you were on the right track.

I am sorry you have been so scarred by adults in your life that should have cared for you.

Just so we are very clear — when it comes to childhood sexual abuse, no fault is ever on the part of you, the child.

Too often, the outcome of abuse is negative emotions such as guilt and shame, as the abuser used tactics of manipulation, threat and power.

In your letter, you say the word ‘victim’. I encourage you to see yourself as a ‘survivor’. With some good therapeutic input, I believe you can become a ‘ thriver’.

Victim

The victim sees themselves as damaged, hopeless and afraid to tell their story. The victim see the world through a lens that shows them they don’t deserve nice things, that they are alone in a crowd.

They have feelings of low self-esteem and being unworthy; they are often confused and overwhelmed. Throughout their lives, they have hidden their stories.

Indeed, too often alcohol became the friend of those who were abused. It temporarily eases the pain, but has devastating lifelong consequences and impacts on individuals and families.

Survivor

Sean, you have written to me and you are beginning to own your own story.

You are moving to the ‘survivor’ state.

The HSE ‘s National Counselling Service (NCS) is an excellent professional, confidential counselling and psychotherapy service, available free of charge in all regions of the country.

People can refer themselves directly by calling a freephone number — 1800 234 110. The mission of the NCS is “to listen to, value and understand those who have been abused in childhood and to assist clients to live more satisfying lives”.

Just as you have done, journaling and writing is a powerful healing process.

Do what works for you. The survivor seeks help, deserves help, names what happened and grieves, sees themselves as wounded (not damaged) and commences the healing process.

The survivor in you, Sean, becomes hopeful, comes out of hiding.

The survivor learns compassion for themselves and is not afraid to tell their story to safe people.

Thriver

The potentiality of the thriver is another level that I know you will move towards.

I know it won’t feel like this now, but this is where I would see you in time — in a place where hope is in your heart, where you are whole, living in the present, proud of your healing, where you have faith in yourself, your decisions and life, where you are able to protect yourself from unsafe others, know your tripwires and go-to healing tools, where you can see and use humour, have healthy boundaries and create inner peace in your life.

Sean, now that you are in an open headspace, get the support that you deserve and commence the work of healing through therapy.

May healing, health and hope follow.

Dr Eddie

Dr Eddie Murphy runs a psychological and counselling service in Portarlington, Co Laois. If you are organising a speaker or training for school, community, voluntary, sporting or work groups, call Dr Eddie on 087 1302899 or go to www.facebook.com/ dr.eddie.murphy.psychologist