AT WIT'S END with JOE DONNELLY
Supermarket sweeper getting stuck for words: I've developed a fear of going to the supermarket. It's not one of those stereotypical manly fears in that I hate shopping because I'm a bloke. No, it's more of a social issue that I used to think only affected me – but I know many of you reading this will recognise the predicament.
I call it 'supermarket dj vu'. Like a lot of people, I have a standard system of navigating the modern supermarket. I work up and down each aisle, moving through the supermarket in a kind of a sweeper mode. Anyway, occasionally I'll meet someone I know and we'll have a brief chat or exchange. But supermarket dj vu sets in when you keep awkwardly meeting the same person a few aisles later. Or even worse, you encounter them along almost every aisle. The truly terrifying scenario is that you meet the person at the very start of your shopping expedition and your paths cross constantly until you're back out in the car park, flinging your shopping into the car and trying to scoot off in case they're parked next to you. Which is the kind of thing that would happen to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some sort of paranoid, anti-social introvert (despite what people say about me behind my back). No, I can honestly say I quite enjoy meeting people out and about. It's just that with this supermarket dj vu business I find myself in one of those situations in which I haven't a clue what to say. I mean, supposing you've covered all the basic topics in your initial chat with the person you bump into. You've made sure each other's wife/ husband/ partner is doing well, you checked up on how work is going, etc. It's been very pleasant and you've said your goodbyes. It's possible you've even made a promise to give them a call to go out for a drink or whatever. Then, two aisles later, you meet them by the breakfast cereals and it's just the two of you in the entire aisle. What are you supposed to say? You've pretty much said it all just five minutes previous. My natural inclination is to say something like: "Getting the old Weetabix eh?". Which is kind of obvious and pointless. "Yes, that's right, I'm getting the old Weetabix," they usually respond flatly. An alternative is to confirm your pledge to give them a call or fulfill a social commitment: "So I'll give you a shout next weekend yeah?". But of course, by next weekend you'll have used up all your conversation topics thanks to the supermarket dj vu.
One of the worst cases is when you and the other person's sweeper system is in contra-flow. In other words, you're definitely going to meet them on every aisle. At least if you're both synchronised you can safely tail the person and not draw too much attention to yourself. The drawback here is the suspicion you might give that you're actually stalking the person. Which is possibly more awkward than having nothing to say each time you meet them. And it's also more likely to get you reported to store security. There is a school of thought (believe it or not I have discussed this at length with people) that would suggest not saying anything at all. So after the preliminary chat you simply blank the person each time you come across them. But that's easier said than done. Particularly if they say something like: "By the way, I forgot to ask you how your mother's keeping." Refusing to acknowledge such an inquiry could cause offence. Plus, the next time you call to your mother she'll be likely to have a go at you for being rude to Mrs. So-and-so.
A possible remedy for supermarket dj vu is to wait and let the other person proceed with their shopping and give them a good head start. It does mean you'll have to linger around a particular aisle for a few minutes. Make sure it's not the frozen food aisle. It can get very cold standing beside a few dozen bags of frozen peas for longer than ten minutes. Which has happened to me. Another solution is one I've recently tried out, and thankfully with no small degree of success.
Supposing you meet the person early on in your shopping trip and you're in the contra-flow system. So you know full well that you're going to keep bumping into him or her for the duration of your visit. My technique is to go straight to the opposite end of the store and work the complete reverse of your usual system. It will feel a bit strange of course; nobody likes change right? But it sure beats the awkward moments of trying to come up with small talk and witty remarks. You'll probably just meet the person once, at which point I advise the 'product comment' as mentioned earlier, followed by a loud laugh and walking at a brisk pace.
If none of this works, you can simply do your shopping in disguise. I use a Groucho Marx-style set of fake glasses, nose and moustache. Nobody comes near me, except for the store security who often ask me to leave. Perhaps I should think about shopping online.
joedonnelly74@yahoo.com
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Weather for Naas, Ireland
Thursday 17 May 2012
Today
Cloudy
Temperature: 7 C to 11 C
Wind Speed: 10 mph
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Light showers
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